---WhEn LoVe HuRts---

Everyone have heard songs about how much love can hurts--not only physically but even on the emotional level. Just recently, singers Chris Brown and Rihanna (umbrella--anybody?) have been the talk of the town--according to a report from TMZ.com, Rihanna told investigators that Brown's violence has been ongoing -- and escalating. Well, the latest story sold like pancake in the bizz world when Rihanna revealed that the famous fight took place following a pre-Grammy party in Los Angeles after Brown received a text message from another woman while the couple was driving in a rented Lamborghini around Hancock Park. An argument ensued, and then escalated into a physical fight, which resulted in Rihanna suffering bruises and bite marks. At some point, Brown even shouted out "I'm going to kill you," according to TMZ. Sadly, lots of relationships (even those seem magical and ideal relationships) turn abusive (even those well-celebrated fantasy driven love stories of celebrities) .

This story is not new to many of us--especially those in helping relationships--I just hope Rihanna will decides to be an example of a woman who will stand up for herself in a domestic violence case like this and show to the world that violence ina loving relationship should not be tolerated. I just wonder why relationships fored out of love can become abusive in the future.

What should you do if you are suffering from an abusive relationship then? If you think you love someone but often feel afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship — FAST! You're worth being treated with respect and THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE COULD JUSTIFY LOVE. Don't rely on yourself to get out of the situation. Friends and family who love and care about you can help you break away. It's important to know that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. It actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself.

Always remember that love shouldnt hurt! In every romantic relationships, I urge all of us to evaluate our situation. Has your bf/gf ever hit you? Taken advantage of you physically or sexually when you did not want it? Verbally or emotionally attacked you, putting you down and belittling you? Threatened you or your loved one with violence? If you answered yes to any of the above...stand up for yourself and...walk away from the situation before it gets worst and you end up down in the dumps. Love Yourself more than anybody else.

Happy Loving!

NoT yOUr TyPiCal PaRtY AnIMaL

Im not a party animal and I dont really love partying (especially those formal events) where you are forced to put on a fake smile, wear a gown/cocktail dress and heels (flanax please!), greet people even if you dont know them really well, say “I’m great!” even if you are critically delirious or shake hands and give compliments like "OMG, you look great!" even if you dont really mean it! To make things worst--in parties--i cant eat according to the standards of my stomach! In other words, I'm not just into formal parties--really! i rarely parties (except when required @ work!), i rarely drink and i rarely go out with my friends and i am perfectly fine with that.

To balance everything though--I must admit that Im not a loner--i love socializing but not in too formal occasions. You may think that my life is boring--im 31 and i dont do what people my age does, i prefer long drives (sightseeing while driving!) and just staying home at night instead of partying / clubbing. I always believe that partying is not a requirement for social relationships. Whats good is that my friends understand me and my personality quirks. It really pays if your friends are real mature people--they will never pressure you to pretend to be someone who is not you. I personally believe that you don't sell myself out for anybody especially through partying! I always had older more mature friends because they respected my decision to be sober.

There is a line in a Garth Brooks song that goes "You can't follow like a bunch of sheep, you gotta listen to your heart"

So--listen to your heart too!

ThE MoNsTeR caLLeD GOSSIP!

"Using the analogy of the human mind as a computer, gossip can be compared to a computer virus. A computer virus is a piece of computer language written in the same language all the other codes are written in, but with a harmful intent." --Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

A dear friend of mine was recently became a victim of a deeply wounding gossip or should i say by an electronic gossip (the story was spread through texting/SMS). The things that were said were neither true nor coming from a place of love or goodwill toward HIM--THE ALLEGATIONS WERE purely baseless. He was hurt--but I know that hearsays should not be entertained. But of course, for the victim of gossip, the pain can be excruciating. We live in a gossip-oriented society so naturally almost everyone loves to gossip (but my friend's pain is a poignant reminder to me of my own commitment not to engage in gossip in any way. I set this standard for myself some time ago. I am re-committing to working harder on this within myself!).

BUt gossip really is not benefiting anyone--believe me--it hurts the source of the gossip (we don't feel good about ourselves when we talk in derogatory ways about others and when we do things that make us not feel good about ourselves, we harm our self-respect, self-love and self-confidence and the victim as well). Any talk about another that is not coming from a place of love, is without the intention of good will, has questionable accuracy and that you would not want the other to hear about--is NOT an ACT OF LOVE! Gossip hurts. Personally, I believe that people who are mature do not gossip.Gossip is hideous. It is imperative to say then that people who loves to gossip are people who needs help in terms of facing problems/issues and in terms of developing positive human skills.

So---have you ever been a victim of nasty untrue gossip? I HAVE and continously being bitten but let me tell you- each gossipping story are quite always a learning experience. Of course, all nasty gossips are hurtful (duh, I’m only human!!), I usually become upset and wanted to lash out, but I dont---really---you see--I deal with the gossip by being the MUCH MUCH bigger person (than the person who victimized me). I pray and ask God to handle it. I, then, would suck up my negative hurt feelings and would go about my business. I stay true to my values and make sure that my actions (continuing to be professional, helping others, and carrying myself with feigned confidence) will present an entirely different picture than what the gossip had described. Incidentally, every time I become a victim of gossiping--the persons who started the gossip would always suffer a bigger failure--(i dont know if i have to owe it to the karmic world!!). I’d be lying too if I said I wasn’t glad about that. Most importantly, I was glad that I handled each situation the way that I did. Now--I'm still standing.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVES TO GOSSIP--REMEMBER...If your mouth sometimes runs away with you and you hurt others (or yourself) by your gossiping, spilling the beans and divulging other people's secrets - then start thinking hard before you can further hurt yourself! (remember the legal implications of this actions!--you can end up in jail!). Asking a professional for help will do good as well--open yourself to this problem so that people around you can help you more. Gossiping is a serious personality problem---believe me---people who likes to gossip needs professional help from a mental health professional! Spread LOVE instead of PAIN!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

Richard, a friend of mine, sent me this funny email entitled: "Summary of Life" and I'd like to share a funny excerpt from this article which I found interesting and can be really helpful if we all want to have a beautiful life!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. (funny but true! now i know why there are so many adults who happen to have growth gaps----emotionally!)

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get... ( to die young?!duh!)

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. (and see if ther's "pagkaka-kitaan" somewhere down there!???!)

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. (nausea---nausea---now thats something!)

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. (remember--as we age--the wisdom increases!hahahahaha--duh?!

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. (like I care for the wrinkles!--botox please!)

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. (very true! Tumpak!--I wonder why many are left with only age---sans the wisdom!).

Nurturing one's EI (Emotional Intelligence)

In my eight years of working with people, I have seen people who are superiorly intelligent in terms of cognitive aspects, such as memory and problem-solving--- but have very very low ability to manage their emotions!In a country where IQ have dominated the thinking on who is likely to succeed, the evidence is now clear that people skills are far more important when it comes to over-all success (total personal package!).Social scientists have long been aware that IQ tests are inadequate for predicting success in life. IQ scores account for as little as 25% in predicting future success in college. In the work environment, technical savvy and knowledge may contribute as little as four to ten percent towards performance effectiveness. Over ninety percent of effectiveness at work is attributed to one's emotional intelligence. People who can't identify or understand their own emotions often make bad decisions, no matter how much brain power they have. Even though the term has been misused and abused by many popularizers, I believe it rests on a firm scientific foundation---EQ, a term coined to express the measure of one's emotional intelligence, has been proposed as the answer to why some people with average IQs end up more successful in life than some with brilliant IQ scores. The concept of emotional intelligence became popular after the immense success of Daniel Goleman's book in 1995, Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Ever since the publication of Daniel Goleman’s first book on the topic in 1995, emotional intelligence has become one of the hottest buzzwords in the world.

Most people have trouble managing situations that are emotionally charged, especially when the emotions aroused are anger and anxiety. When this difficulty is accompanied by, or causes, poor communications skills, then people really do get into trouble. The ability to predict and influence other people's emotions has to be one of the most important skills any person can have. Those individuals who are able to handle their emotions, not just the expression or regulation of them, but who are also able to generate the kinds of emotions that are productive and efficient, are indeed emotionally intelligent. The high EI individual, most centrally, can better perceive emotions, use them in thought, understand their meanings, and manage emotions, than others.They're particularly good at establishing positive social relationships with others, and avoiding conflicts, fights, and other social altercations.

It is useful to look at Goleman's five major factors of emotional intelligence. He summarizes emotional intelligence into the following components:

1. Emotional self-awareness
2. Managing one's own emotions
3. Using emotions to maximize intellectual processing and decision-making, including self-motivation
4. Developing empathy
5. The art of social relationships and managing emotions in others

We hope that with this little information--we will all move forward towards nurturing our own emotional intelligence so that as human beings---connected to eachother--we can live together with greater harmony and satisfaction.

ThE FaDeD TraVelIng Pants

I love traveling with my family and friends! Over and above the fun---the special bonding moment it creates is a well-spring of hope for me. Traveling with the special people in your life is a great way to let loose and have a good time away from the everyday routines. Spending special moments and adventure with the special people in my life makes me appreciate life even more. Vacations ( short or long vacations) provides the perfect opportunity in reconnecting with my friends/family, and to enjoy their company without the hassles and complications of the “real” world. Although I love flying, it can be a bit stressful too especially magnified if I am running late. I also love taking the boat--i find it more challenging than flying. BUt what I love most in treavelling is no other than--the FOOD ADVENTURE! Honestly---I appreciate more the place if I am enjoying the FOOD! Food for me is the fun expression of what and how the place looks like and the kind of people that resides there. So when you travel, stay fed and don’t let yourself or your travel companion get hungry. Nothing leads to crankiness as fast as hunger--believe me! After each of my travels with family/friends, I am always hopeful that I will come back with good reminiscences and look forward to the next time I travel with them again! Life truly is beautiful with the gift of mobility, family and friends!

tHe LOvE ViRuS

I love giving talks about love, dating and relationships! Believe me, I'm not a love guru but i always tell my students and my clients to keep on loving--you see, love is always a good feeling (especially if that love is shared by two people)!People have been falling in and out of love since the beginning of time and believe me--these stories are always blockbusters! (remember the romeo and juliet, twilight and titanic fever?!). This crazy thing called love is really something!

In genuine love--it takes a lot of courage to open up your heart to someone else and the strength in the lovers is just as magical as any fantasy inspired stories. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But really--what is love?

FROM A SCHOLASTIC POINT OF VIEW--one can easily say that love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true. These definitions really makes love more abstract and scholastic. SO... WHAT REALLY IS LOVE?

Many love-guru believes that love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. Romantic love is always a deep, intense and unending. It is shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship. In realistic view--LOVE THEN IS embracing differences and discovering ways in which to build a common lifestyle, share decision-making, and taking equal responsibility for the results.Love is a decision. Love is a mysterious, magical, complex, difficult, imaginary, thought-provoking, inspirational, intuitional, joyous, immeasurable, ecstasy, and undefinable human reality. It cannot be defined by words--but it can be defined by the common feeling directed at someone who acknowledges the goodness of the beloved.

For those who are in love--then--be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other, provide space to each other and always be there for each other's need...and surely love will blossom to strengthen your relationship.

Drug ABuse, CRime and Home

I met with my few exclusive friends today and the meeting was extra wonderful. It did not only gave us avenue to update us with eachother's life but it was more of an opportunity to really keep in touch---e,otionally and spiritually. It was a meeting worth to be remembered because a close friend (who is specially close to me and appeared so well)--disclosed to me her addiction battle. I felt so sad when she told me about it cause i knew--during her inner struggles--while i was busy helping other people---she was struggling alone. The guilt feeling was so strong (at first) but when i pondered on the real situation--I felt that i should stop the "blame-me" game ive been feeling for my friend. You see--I knew--she chose to be in that situation and the act to seek help should start from her not from anybody else. Part of myself assured me that her strength to battle her own addiction is a proof of her magnificient inner strength. To tell her addiction to a friend is a plus factor too! Her substance abuse battle stripped her of her dignity, and her capacity to hope. But telling me (her friend) about it--was the eventful start of her healing. It’s never easy to get help for drug abuse. Checking into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center means admitting you have a problem you can’t solve on your own. That sort of honesty is hard to come by. On my personal reflections, the battle with drug addiction is clearly illustrated in song under the album: A Nine Inch Nails which features a song "My Self Destruct" with the lyrics: "I am the needle in your vein and I control you, I am the high you can't sustain and I control you." Another song, "Hurt," explores drugs as a means of escape with lyrics like, "The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away." This song clearly shows that again, no addict beats drug and alcohol abuse without professional substance abuse treatment. That’s simply not the way recovery works.

That meeting though made me really think hard about what i can do--not just for my friend but for the community as a whole---in my wellness advocacy, I should somehow do something for people to undertsand the true dynamics of drug addiction so that maybe people can take action in their own corner of the globe. CYWTAC, as a wellness center --should work with communities and those confroted with this problem throughout the country particlarly on how to zero in on ways to reduce substance abuse at home and the community.

This FEB, 27-28, 2009--the Children and YOuth Wellness Technical and Advocacy Center (CYWTAC) will sponsor a REGIONAL SEMINAR entitled: DRUG ABUSE, CRIME AND HOME at the audio visual hall of divine word college of legazpi. We hope that with this seminar, participants will gain better understanding of drugs in the society--their use and misuse, its relationship to crimes and the role of home in the issue of drug abuse. This course will be particularly suitable for people who are encountering drug related problems and issues in their institutions related to substance abuse and to those who mainly wishes to learn how to respond to this particular social issue. This regional seminar is open to School Guidance Counselor, School Psychologists, NGO Workers, Teachers, Law Enforces, Local Government Officials, Social Workers, Educators and interested parents.

An affordable registration fee of (P1,500) will be collected to cover the snacks, kits and certificate for the 2 days seminar....and as token of gratitude--THE FIRST 100 PAX TO REGISTER will get a very special hard bound book entitled: DrUG ABUSE, CRIME AND HOME written by the training facilitator of the seminar, DR. HARRY LORENZO.Dr. Lorenzo is a family therapist and a practicing psychologist. He is a professional lecturer at the graduate school of the Polytechnic University (PUP) and the Philippine Public Safety College (PPSC). He is currently the president of the Association of Government Psychologists of the Philippines, Inc (AGPPI) and the former president of the Philippine Guidance and Counseling Association. He is the founding president of the Sports Psychologists and Physical Educators of the Philippines and presently, the sport psychologist of the shooting team of the Philippine Army. He is a certified psychologist of the Professional Certification Board (USA). He is likewise the president of the Trinity Training Center and Psychological Services and the former Dean of Students Affairs of the Trinity College, Quezon City.

Lorenzo served in the Armed Forces of the Philippines as Philippine Constabulary officer with a rank of colonel and as a police officer in the Philippine National Police with a rank of senior superintendent. He taught at the Philippine Military Academy (PMA) and was instrumental in the establishment of the PMA Guidance and counseling office in 1983. He joined the Department of Interior and Local Government (DILG) in 1994 to 1996 as special assistant to the DILG secretary. He wrote, edited and published books in public safety, criminology, psychology and policing. He is the editor and publisher of the books-Practicing Criminologists and editor of the PC/INP and PNP journals. He lectured and presented papers on various topics in different countries like US, England, France, Brunei, Taiwan, Indonesia, Thailand and in various universities like Cambridge, University of East London, University of Southern California.

Dr. Loremzo is included in the Baron’s Who’s Who of the World and Asia Pacific Rim. His membership included the International Council of Psychologists, American Counseling Association, International Association of Chiefs of Police and International Law Enforcement Planners. He is likewise the president of the Rotary Club of Manila San Miguel.

To beat drug abuse for good is to rediscover life as we used to know it, and ourselves as we used to be. Lets help eachother. For interested parties, you can inquire in any of the numbers below: 09178651901 or 09215883900. Limited slots are available so your early confirmation is adviced.

GoInG gAGa oVeR YoGa

I'm not a YOGA addict but i love Hatha Yoga! I learned about yoga through a friend--the late julia campbell (the peace corp volunteer slain at Banaue, Ifugao few years ago)--julia introduced me to yoga after typhoon reming when she saw me so stressed out (ready to be burned out!) after series of debriefing sessions with the survivors. She knew i needed to learn a unique relaxation technique strategy. From then on--I was hooked! (I even organized 2 special trainings on hatha yoga in my center and integrated this relaxation exercise in my total stress management training program!). So what is hatha yoga? If you see a class described as Hatha, it will likely be a slow-paced stretching class with some simple breathing exercises and perhaps seated meditation. This is a good place to learn basic poses, relaxation techniques, and become comfortable with yoga. In hatha yoga, you will learn about the different Asanas (yoga positions) that strengthen, purify and balance the endocrine, nervous and circulatory systems. While asanas are rarely prescribed to treat illnesses, they surely have healing properties and definitely prevent diseases. From my in-depth research on the benefits of hatha yoga, I learned that if you practice these hatha yoga asanas regularly, your body will gradually achieve greater endurance, your spine will become more flexible, your body will come to its natural weight and rid itself of toxins, you will breathe more easily, you will gain energy, your circulation will improve, your blood pressure will normalize, you will have an easier time coping with stress, and you will have more pleasant thoughts and fewer negative emotions. And considering all this, your overall mood will improve—in other words, you will gain vibrant physical and emotional health. Hatha yoga is more than an exercise---its a good relaxation exercise. for simple yoga poses--watch the attached video and see how fun and easy hatha yoga can be!

tHe BrEak-Up IsSue

Breaking up a relationship is extremely hard (i definitely know the feeling!) especially on the person who is initiating the break-up as well as on the person who is at the receiving end. I met with a teen client today and I saw the perfect picture of the "pain of losing a very promising relationship"! The emotional baggage is so pressing that for some people, little help is neccesary. The meeting inspired me to really reflect on the reality of this type of pain. Understanding and accepting that a relationship is over can be very difficult. Every meeting, I always remind my clients that it's perfectly normal to feel all of these emotions and they have to remember that they're not alone - heartbreak is something we all experience(just think of the thousands of songs and videos about broken hearts!). As life coach trainer, I would like to share concrete guidelines in coping with break-ups.

COPING SUTRA

• Accept..accept and accept- Healing starts with acceptance. Accept that your relationship is over. Stop the DENIAL-FANTASY!. Accept that the other person would not be there for you any more. It's normal to feel horrible if someone breaks up with you. It can be especially hard if you were surprised by the break up. Many people get down on themselves and wonder what they did to cause the relationship to end. This may be a harsh guideline for you--but be realistic--put your feet on the ground. Once the break up happens, you need to put it behind you and cope with the negative feelings that are present inside you now---in the present. Do not cling onto the hope that a miracle would happen and that things would go back to normal. Do not hope that the break-up would be reversed by some magic (except when you use "gayuma!") and you would be back together as if nothing happened. This would make things unbearable for you. Not accepting the reality will even make you feel worst!



• Balance the Memory. Memories are the biggest hurdle when it comes to moving on after a break up. Whether you remember the good moments or the bad, a vacation, a favorite bar, the first place you met, the details do not matter ... your memories only reinforces your loss BUT you need to realize and accept that the loss is complete and that the relationship is over. Dwelling on it will only lead to grief.



• Forget the revenge mode - falling in and falling out of love happens. It is sad - but it happens. Yet, that is precisely the time when it is most essential to maintain a clear head and to make sure that nothing foolish is done in the sensitive interim between breakup and cooling down. Accept this as a fact and do not seek revenge for being set aside for another person. Break up are usually emotionally shattering because they are interpreted as rejection. However, it is not rejection. It is a way to say that "I am not getting what I want from you." This is fine - nothing personal. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and happiness. Respect this choice and forget revenge. When you hate or plot for revenge, you can never let go of the past. Remember, "Revenge is the confirmation of pain." Focus on your good qualities. It's easy to feel discouraged and self-critical if your heart is broken.



• Keep yourself busy. It can help to get involved in different activities and projects. Focusing on other things can help you move on with your life, meet new people and discover new interests.



• Connect with your family and friends - you will be surprised how wonderful the love of your family and friends feels after or during a break up. You will realize how much love you are taking for granted while you are crying for the one love that is no more yours. Count your blessings in the love of your family, your close friends and renew these wonderful emotional bonds. Talk about your feelings to trusted family and friends. Sharing your feelings with others who can help you feel like you aren't alone. Spend time with them and laugh with them!



• Allow yourself to heal - do not throw yourself into new relationships immediately after a break up. Unprocessed emotions would almost always give you the wrong reasons to forge new relationships. Look for new relationships only when you can look back on the broken one without pain. Learn from the relationship and move ahead. Do not use it as a revenge against the person who broke up with you.



• Spoil yourself for a while - You need to replace the negative feelings created in your heart (with positive feelings). The easiest way to create positive feelings is to do something you love - go to the movies; go take a long awaited great vacation; treat yourself for a special body massage or beauty treatment (massage and spa experiences are great coping strats--promise!); start a new hobby; binge of some food you love; buy some excellent jewelry (if you have money!); etc. Wash away your hurt by indulging yourself. Use techniques that will give you relief dealing with the breakup rationally.



• Move on - aim ahead. Do all that you find possible to move on as normally as possible. Keep yourself surrounded by well-meaning friends and family with whom you could openly converse regarding your feelings. The more you are able to vocalize these feelings, the faster you would heal.

WHILE SUFFERING, DONT FORGET TO AIM AHEAD!do not UNDERESTIMATE your capacity to COPE!In this time of difficulty--learn to be more independent. This can be tough at first BUT your inner strength is the key in doing this. Believe in your capability to bounce back and surely--you will feel better about yourself even more.

HAPPY COPING!