After working with couples for the past 6 years (providing marital counseling and trial separation counseling), one realization I got from my practice is: ONE REASON THAT MAKE COUPLES UNHAPPY IS THE REALITY THAT OFTEN ONE OR BOTH OF THEM HAVE STRONG EXPECTATIONS THAT THEIR PARTNERS SHOULD BE JUST LIKE WHO THEY ARE: EXHIBIT THE SAME ATTITUDES, HAVE SAME RESPONSES TO SITUATIONS AND WORST--THINK THE SAME AS THEY DO. Because of unmet expectations, problems set in...THREATENING even the most well-founded relationships. As the goal of equality between men and women now grows closer we are also losing the contact on the reality of the differences of men and women. Thus, we end up advocating for the battle of the sexes--asking "who is more superior?"..."who's opinion should prevail?"....
The differences between women and men are not only well-documented, but frequently at the heart of jokes, anecdotes, and good-natured (and not so good-natured) ribbing..For centuries, the differences between men and women were socially defined and distorted through a lens of sexism in which men assumed superiority over women and maintained it through domination or women feeling superior to men demanding full adjustment and accommodation of their demands and wishes...
It is my position that men and women are equal but different. Equality in this sense directs to each of the sex's right to equal opportunity and protection under the law. Different on the other hand means that men and women are at least as different psychologically as they are physically.
None of us would argue the fact that men and women are physically different. The physical differences are rather obvious and most of these can be seen and easily measured. Most of these physical differences are rather tangible and easily measured. The physical differences between men and women provide functional advantages and have survival value. A man's body is designed for heavy labor and woman's are not..so--its imperative for men to believe that heavy household activities and tasks should be their responsibilities!!! (one woman client of mine fought against his husband's demand for her to do household repairs!you go girl!)...
Along human relationships, women tend to communicate more effectively than men, focusing on how to create a solution that works for the group, talking through issues, and utilizes non-verbal cues such as tone, emotion, and empathy whereas men tend to be more task-oriented, less talkative, and more isolated. Men have a more difficult time understanding emotions that are not explicitly verbalized, while women tend to intuit emotions and emotional cues. These differences explain why men and women sometimes have difficulty communicating and why men-to-men friendships look different from friendships among women. Believe me--this difference should be understood so well by both men and women...many relationship fights and arguments stems from this uniqueness.
Along women's talkativeness and men's reflective persona, women (take note of this!) have four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of their brain. This latter finding provides physical evidence that supports the observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain therefore, women can focus on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems through multiple activities at a time.
On problem solving, men and women approach problems with similar goals but with different considerations. For most women, sharing and discussing a problem presents an opportunity to explore, deepen or strengthen the relationship with the person they are talking with but most men are less concerned and do not feel the same as women when solving a problem.For men, their brain, when confronted with problem, tends to slow down so that analysis and planning can set in...quietly, when confronted with issue, their brain analyzes each situation quietly--alarming women! Silence for women is deafening.
Women tend to be intuitive global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements in the task in terms of their interconnectedness. Women come to understand and consider problems all at once. Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. They have an enhanced ability to separate themselves from problems and minimize the complexity that may exist. Men come to understand and consider problems one piece at a time.
On emotional sensitivity, there is evidence to suggest that a great deal of the sensitivity that exists within men and women has a physiological basis. It has been observed that is many cases, women have an enhanced physical alarm response to danger or threat. Their autonomic and sympathetic systems have a lower threshold of arousal and greater reactivity than men. This is why women tend to worry a lot, can be paranoidly anxious and have the tendency to talk a lot when anxious. Increasing or high levels of testosterone on men on the other hand can produce an emotional insensitivity, empathic block and increased indifference to the distress others.
On activities in relationships, men feel closer and validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports, competition, outdoor activities or even sexual activities that are decidedly active and physical. While both men and women can appreciate and engage in these activities they often have preferential differences. Women, on the other hand, feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many men tend to find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming.
The challenge therefore is for men and women to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever possible. Appreciating the other person will be a rewarding avenue in a relationship. Instead of looking at it as distressing and disappointing..look at it positively...enjoy the differences!
Happy Loving!
