Breaking up a relationship is extremely hard (i definitely know the feeling!) especially on the person who is initiating the break-up as well as on the person who is at the receiving end. I met with a teen client today and I saw the perfect picture of the "pain of losing a very promising relationship"! The emotional baggage is so pressing that for some people, little help is neccesary. The meeting inspired me to really reflect on the reality of this type of pain. Understanding and accepting that a relationship is over can be very difficult. Every meeting, I always remind my clients that it's perfectly normal to feel all of these emotions and they have to remember that they're not alone - heartbreak is something we all experience(just think of the thousands of songs and videos about broken hearts!). As life coach trainer, I would like to share concrete guidelines in coping with break-ups.
COPING SUTRA
- Accept..accept and accept- Healing starts with acceptance. Accept that your relationship is over. Stop the DENIAL-FANTASY!. Accept that the other person would not be there for you any more. It's normal to feel horrible if someone breaks up with you. It can be especially hard if you were surprised by the break up. Many people get down on themselves and wonder what they did to cause the relationship to end. This may be a harsh guideline for you--but be realistic--put your feet on the ground. Once the break up happens, you need to put it behind you and cope with the negative feelings that are present inside you now---in the present. Do not cling onto the hope that a miracle would happen and that things would go back to normal. Do not hope that the break-up would be reversed by some magic (except when you use "gayuma!") and you would be back together as if nothing happened. This would make things unbearable for you. Not accepting the reality will even make you feel worst!
- Balance the Memory. Memories are the biggest hurdle when it comes to moving on after a break up. Whether you remember the good moments or the bad, a vacation, a favorite bar, the first place you met, the details do not matter ... your memories only reinforces your loss BUT you need to realize and accept that the loss is complete and that the relationship is over. Dwelling on it will only lead to grief.
- Forget the revenge mode - falling in and falling out of love happens. It is sad - but it happens. Yet, that is precisely the time when it is most essential to maintain a clear head and to make sure that nothing foolish is done in the sensitive interim between breakup and cooling down. Accept this as a fact and do not seek revenge for being set aside for another person. Break up are usually emotionally shattering because they are interpreted as rejection. However, it is not rejection. It is a way to say that "I am not getting what I want from you." This is fine - nothing personal. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and happiness. Respect this choice and forget revenge. When you hate or plot for revenge, you can never let go of the past. Remember, "Revenge is the confirmation of pain." Focus on your good qualities. It's easy to feel discouraged and self-critical if your heart is broken.
- Keep yourself busy. It can help to get involved in different activities and projects. Focusing on other things can help you move on with your life, meet new people and discover new interests.
- Connect with your family and friends - you will be surprised how wonderful the love of your family and friends feels after or during a break up. You will realize how much love you are taking for granted while you are crying for the one love that is no more yours. Count your blessings in the love of your family, your close friends and renew these wonderful emotional bonds. Talk about your feelings to trusted family and friends. Sharing your feelings with others who can help you feel like you aren't alone. Spend time with them and laugh with them!
- Allow yourself to heal - do not throw yourself into new relationships immediately after a break up. Unprocessed emotions would almost always give you the wrong reasons to forge new relationships. Look for new relationships only when you can look back on the broken one without pain. Learn from the relationship and move ahead. Do not use it as a revenge against the person who broke up with you.
- Spoil yourself for a while - You need to replace the negative feelings created in your heart (with positive feelings). The easiest way to create positive feelings is to do something you love - go to the movies; go take a long awaited great vacation; treat yourself for a special body massage or beauty treatment (massage and spa experiences are great coping strats--promise!); start a new hobby; binge of some food you love; buy some excellent jewelry (if you have money!); etc. Wash away your hurt by indulging yourself. Use techniques that will give you relief dealing with the breakup rationally.
- Move on - aim ahead. Do all that you find possible to move on as normally as possible. Keep yourself surrounded by well-meaning friends and family with whom you could openly converse regarding your feelings. The more you are able to vocalize these feelings, the faster you would heal.
WHILE SUFFERING, DONT FORGET TO AIM AHEAD!do not UNDERESTIMATE your capacity to COPE!In this time of difficulty--learn to be more independent. This can be tough at first BUT your inner strength is the key in doing this. Believe in your capability to bounce back and surely--you will feel better about yourself even more.
HAPPY COPING!
