Becky's UnReCipRoCatEd LoVE

I received an email today from a student in one of the state universities in Bicol. She introduced herself to me quiet descently and told me that she was one of the participants in one of my youth trainings two years ago (imagine--two years ago?!! and surprisingly, she admitted that she had been following my schedules of growth and wellness sessions in their school!---really--i'm so touched! thanks becky!). Becky had the guts to write me about her problem: she feels that her love is unreciprocated. She told me about her intense love for John (name changed for confidentiality purposes) but she has this strong feeling that John is not feeling the same way for her. I definitely saw the pain of Becky on her letter. In the letter, strong indication of depression was noted.

After reading her letter--i cant help but go back to my early romantic experiences whene I also felt the same way. Surprisingly after that--I discovered that I was able to write this long-long personalized letter to Becky. I know most of us went through the same experience. Loving someone can be difficult especially if it is unrequited love. i could understand why Becky seem so depressed--because loving someone unconditionally and not receiving something on the other line can be draining. If your love is not reciprocated or returned you may feel depressed. You may spend way too much time thinking about it and that can disturb your focus on daily activities and responsiblities. I understand exactly how it feels---really--devastating.

But life itself equipt us with the necessary life skills to cope. I always believe that we have the capability to cope--to bounce back. I gave Becky practical tips to be able to cope--these tips were really close to my heart because these were the things I realized when I had similar experience. Some may work for her and some may not---we should take note that in coping with life--we have our own strategies.

I gave Becky the following practical points for reflection:

1. The first thing you need is an open mind. Be willing to be honest with yourself. When I had the same experience--I told myself that I have to stop the game of denial, the game of "what-ifs". I dont want to be trapped in that kind of dishonesty. Opening yourself to the idea that the person you love is probably better off without you is painful but thats the reality. Truly, reality bites and when it does--it really sucks!If your beloved needed or wanted you he would probably have some desire to be with you and that desire would have already shown you enough reciprocation to stop you from trying to get over the love.

2. Don't be selfish. If being with this person would make you happy, but in reality, your presence makes your beloved unhappy, then you should prefer them to be with someone else. Love is about wanting what's best for the person you love, not what's best for you. This may seem a brutal advice--but girl, life is not only about gaining but it is also about losing! What matters most is how you cope with that loss!

3. Don't try to contact the person you love if you already know its not a shared love. (PERIOD). This could cause the other person anger or even guilt for knowing that you are in emotional pain because of him. Love can not be controlled and they can't force themselves to love you. You can't force anyone to love you either. What we should then prioritize is to MAKE OURSELVES MORE LOVABLE--not for the one who rejected you--but for yourself and for others who might take interests in you.

4. If you refuse to be with anyone else, then be alone. It's not so bad, contrary to what the movies and magazines will say. After a while you learn to deal with loneliness. Do not underestimate your ability to cope.

Finally---LOOK AT ALL THE WONDROUS OPTIONS LIFE CAN OFFER! go out and open yourself to new people and new experiences. Dont die of desperation--It's expected that you feel hurt and depressed, but don't become a pathetic putz! Just LET GO and EXPLORE ways to cope. Instant gratification is great, but in this case you're just gonna have to let time do the healing.

So, for those with similar experiences---i hope this article can also help you cope. Experiences like this should not stop you from loving--PATULOY NA MAGMAHAL!Keep a positive attitude when possible. If you truly love someone, you want the person to be happy no matter what it takes, even letting him go. Possession is not love. Keep your true feelings in check by asking if you truly love him and want his happiness.