One of my closest friend asked me if I am still afraid to love after going through such a traumatic relationship few years ago--honestly, it caught me off guard--but it made me reflect though. Am I afraid to love? That I asked myself. Is it because my sub-conscious is telling me that once you let yourself loved-you are open to huge amounts of pain? Am I scared of rejection and pain especially if it involves a person whom i believe to be the right person? or am i just afraid to loose my independence? all of these hypothesis froze my brain!
Honestly, this incident made me go back to my reflections on the writing of John Powell. He said that pain in itself is not an evil to be avoided at all costs. Pain is rather a teacher from whom we can learn much. Pain is instructing us, telling us to change, to stop doing one thing or to begin doing another, to stop thinking one way and begin thinking differently. When we refuse to listen to pain and its lessons, all we have left is one of the escapist tendencies of the options and addictions.
On personal note, I believe that for the past years, while I am genuinely enjoying all types of "safe" relationships--part of me listened to where should I safely stand (on the status quo), meaning not wanting to take risks and later --ending up with nothing.
As I think about it, I started challenging myself to totally take risks..I know I had been challenging myself in all aspects of my life but not for any genuine romantic relationship. Accepting vulnerability would take a different beat for me but there's nothing wrong with taking chances.Letting go of the past and the pains and sentiments should be the beginning of larger steps.Accepting the reality that relationships are not entirely sunshine and roses would be a good start. It's hard to get past bad feelings and just enjoy a person as they are today.....not tomorrow or yesterday--that I have to remind myself daily. But you see, i realized that nothing is a guarantee. No person comes with a guarantee anyway.
I cant help but remind myself to keep it light, take it easy cause there are no guarantees in life. If the right person comes and he's here now, I will be here now and perhaps take all the joy out of each day and forget about tomorrow, fears and negative thoughts. Going through it was a joyful life reflection and maybe something to hold in my heart from this day forward.
