Marissa (one of the participants in one of my youth trainings) sent me an email asking how she and her boyfriend can maintain their long distance relationship (the guy is now based in Manila, studying). It's hard enough to make local relationships work, really--- but having miles and sometimes even an ocean between lovers can make it even more difficult! Most of those who are in these kind of relationships have failed to maintain the loving relationship and have broken up even though what they have may have been a very promising relationship. Believe me, the effort in making the relationship work is tripled for those separated by distance! However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. I'm sure nearly everyone has experienced a long distance relationship at some point in his/her life. Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good avenue to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the other partner (remember our lucid moments alone!). But what is frustrating is the fact that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing (at least between the meetings!) Definitely, you will experience difficulties in emotionally connecting with the person because there is no physical intimacy involved. But these should not stop your heart from loving, right?! You see, long distance relationships can work.....if both of you want it to work! So here are the tips/guidelines I sent to Marissa to help her make this relationship work--
1. First and foremost--BOth of you must have a true interest in each other---I mean a deep and genuine emotional connection, whether you’ve been together before the spacial separation or just technologically meeting eachother ( via chat or email).
2. At the onset of the separation, its important to ask your partner important questions that will help you both in having clear parameters of the relationship. Parameters would include--your status (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)and agreeing on your extent of your status (exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive). These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.
3. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. You need all the help you can get, so why not using the glorious benefits of a modern communication world. Call, text..email.Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Write letters. Do not underestimate the marvelous feeling, when you look in your letter box and find a letter from your love, open it and see his/her writing. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason.
4. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family. Most importantly, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
5. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterwards and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference.
7. Try to see each other every month at least once.Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to.
8. Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead.
9. As mentioned before, trust is essential. I recommend avoiding some specific situations where you will be tempted to be unfaithful to your partner. Do not date the opposite sex alone, or go to wild parties. Simply avoid temptations that could distract you from each other. Be faithful!
Watch out for people with skepticism. Many will tell you that long distance relationships never work (especially those who have had negative experiences about it--to hell with them!). Don’t listen to them. Long-distance relationships can still facilitate valuable opportunities for partners to experience growth, maturity and bonding together.
Long Distance Relationship can definitely work, but you both have to believe it! This type of relationship exposes ongoing life lessons and will prove that love, loyalty, and faith are the vital ingredients to a lasting relationship.
