The MOURNING After

Navigating the swirling emotions of letting go of a loved one (in death or in other circumstances) needs a quentessential people skills. Talking about grieving is a nostalgic event for me. Recently, I lost a friend--she finally succumb to cancer. Our relationship started on a professional level--as counselor-counsellee. After going through series of life-moving sessions, we finally ended the relationship as she flew to the States for a much more advanced mode of treatment. Our constant communication continued while she battled with the disease in a foreign land. After a year, she came back and finally chose to die in her home, with her family and with what she described as " dying in the warmth of friends". Two days before she died, she asked for me and we had the most meaningful talk ever--not as counselor-counsellee but as friends, as life companions. Her readiness to face her mortality was amazing!

Her family though appeared to be more ready than her. This somehow bothered me... Her mother told me that they will easily move on after her passing. Somehow, it was a consolation but it bothered me so much. Knowing my own feelings--I cannot help but ask if there's a need to ressurect grieving! I know we are in an instant society--after losing someone--we are expected to move on easily and immediately. we have the technical and environmental tools to help us move on--but are we forgetting really that grieving and mourning is a natural phenomenon in men. Grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss, that is a reality.

I attended my friends final burial rites and I felt so heavy when instead of finding a rather melancholic atmosphere--it was too joyful (there was videoke, 24 hours television, bingo games, card games, drinking spree, etc..)The family were part of these celebration--the mother managing the card games, the brother was singing so loudly in the videoke, the aunt loudly ranting the bingo card numbers, etc...

I fairly know that people vary in their reactions to loss but what shook me from this experience was the fact that the family seem not to show their emotions of grief. I know my friend's family love her so much. They fought with her when she battled with cancer. They invested so much when she was sent to the US for treatment. I cannot question the love of her family---I knew how much they love her.

After reflecting, with a common thread running through my mind--i came up with simple reflection that maybe--grieving now is not a pressing human-option because of the incorrect information we got from our society --that it is not proper to show your real feelings at any cost. We were taught to bury our feelings with statements like "im fine" although deep inside we are hurting. We were taught to bury all feelings that has something to do with sadness. We were conditioned to think that "when you laugh--the whole world will laugh with you--and when you cry--you will cry alone!"...These and other cliches about grieving has taught us to deny our true feelings--concealing it in the presence of technology and fun activities while we are supposed to grieve. Unresolved and unexpressed grief are cummulative--the effect will also be cummulative...let us all reflect on that.

I always believe that in moving on after a love one dies, we must be willing to re-experience the grief and the feeling of loss and make ways to recognize the incompleteness. From there, our healing starts....