Playing the Jealousy Game

A blog follower of mine texted me last night and asked me to write my thoughts on dealing with jealousy in romantic relationships. Well, I felt flattered but partly too--I felt the pressure--pressure to sit down and think about it and understand the dynamics of this emotion. I handled few relationship problems in my therapy sessions with clients and I would like to really just start from there.

Jealousy as a powerful emotion at times can be normal in relationships. Of course, we all want to be protective and even a little possessive of the people we love and care about. Believe me--some partners like their other half to be a little jealous because one may feel valued and loved when one partner is slightly jealous.

But jealousy can be distrubing and unhealthy too. We all think that jealousy is just one emotion...nah---it's a whole bundle of negative emotions like anger, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, paranoia, sadness, depression and anxiety (whew!:-)!). Toxic jealousy takes possessiveness and protectiveness to the extremes making each situation and reaction inappropriate. If left unchecked and unprocessed, this "green eyed monster" can destroy relationships. It can tear relationships apart. Jealousy can cause insecurity, detachment or even plain immaturity.

Dealing and overcoming jealousy starts of course from AWARENESS. Awareness allows you to see your projected and unknown fears. Awareness of your feelings, emotions and fears will definitely allow you to see the triggers of jealousy. Awareness will be the start of RECOVERING your PERSONAL POWER CONTROL. Instead of exhibiting reactive behaviors, by awareness, you start to control your emotions and its expression.

Good Communication builds bridges. Jealousy will never ruin relationships if there is genuine and good communication. Open communication lines with partners--tell your loveones calmly and gently your fears, insecurities and beliefs (true or untrue). Chances are--your partner will reassure you of his/her love if you open healthy communication lines with him/her. Always choose the "win-win" solution in keeping your relationship.

Cognitive control is also very important--stop wasting your time thinking about your "fear of the unknown"..... instead ---think of ways that will make your relationship stable and satisfying! Remember--if you are confident that you are worth loving---why be afraid?!:-)At times, what you think (negatively about your partner) is not worth the trouble!

There is no definite and easy solution in dealing with jealousy in relationships--it usually requires trial and error and risk-taking to discover what works for you and your partner. So, instead of making a fuss---why dont you enjoy the wonderful relationship you have successfully created.

Happy Loving!

The Gift of Friendship

Life takes people to different directions. Even if you swear that you will stick with eachother for life, reality will always step in the way--you will all have your separate lives. I am not immune to loosing connections with close friends and relatives--I even assured my morbid self that I might meet some of them in heaven (in another life!):-) but fortunately--internet came--so is facebook, friendster, tagged and the other social networking websites! Now im using the tools the internet has to offer to locate, reconnect and re-establish meaningful connections with my long lost friends and loveones! even to relatives i never met, relatives on the other side of the globe and friends I just recently met due to common connection (connect the dots friends!).Now im a becoming a big fan of reunion sites and yahoo groups! The hardest and the scariest part is actually on dialling the number and calling them---because believe me--you will find different reactions--some are too manic and excited to be reconnected with you again--while some appear to be cold and passive and worst---some even forgot you--and you even need to help the person reminisce the good 'ol days just to bring back the memory hidden perhaps on the subconscious level of your friends brain! Now, what im trying to do is to just be a good friend to old friends believing that friendship is even more wonderful the second time around.

Friends are gift from above--their gift of presence is something money cannot buy. Now, more than ever, I am more determined to bring back the connections I lost but now found!

Power of 3!

Yesterday was my 3rd group therapy session with 3 of my teenage clients. Our therapy theme was on finding the inner beauty within. In our meaningful discussion, we focused on defining inner beauty and finding ways to appreciate this beauty that ressonates from within. Life-changing points were raised which were worth reflecting. Allow me to share some of the most beautiful insights that came out from our therapy session which i know cognitively modified the thought patterns of my clients:

• While many people would always equate beauty with outer and physical symmetry, good poisture and amazing body proportions, these shallow definitions makes inner beauty harder to pinpoint or even define.


• So many of us put so much efforts on grooming the outer body (grooming hair, going through invasive procedures just to maintain desired symmetrical body proportions,etc..) but forgetting an important element in the wholistic scope of what makes a person beautiful---our INNER beauty! Inner beauty requires the same cultivation and type of care. Like physical beauty, vow to make your inner being beautiful. Feed your spirit....


• So what is inner beauty? If we invest too much on cosmetics for our outer beauty--inner beauty requires huge investment for COMPASSION, GRACE AND SENSITIVITY.


• Unlike outer beauty, which could mislead people, inner beauty will go beyond what we see. With inner beauty, we can never create our own beauty cliche.


• Inner beauty is less about what you see but more of what you feel for the person. This beauty is certain if you feel connected with a person with a beautiful spirit.


• People who have inner beauty goes beyond shallow apperance obsession...it even goes beyond what eyes can see!

"The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen..nor touched..but are felt in the heart"-Helen Keller

THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

The beauty of a woman

isn't in the clothes she wears

the figure that she carries

or on the way she combs her hair

The beauty of a woman

must be seen from in her eyes

Because that's the doorway to her heart

the place where love resides

The beauty of a woman

Isn't in a facila mole

but true beauty of a woman,

is reflected by her soul

Its the caring she cares to give

the passion that she shows

And the beauty of a woman

with passing years only grows

On Death and Dying 3

Yesterday, I had a scholastic discussion on death and dying with my psychology students. Like many of us, I received the same reactions from my students--that death should be feared and should not be embraced and celebrated. Truly, man is afraid of death. The issue of death for many people stirs something within to search for immortality. In my discussion, I tried convincing my students that death is a reality that is inevitable to all of us--the rich, the poor, the powerful and even the powerless. This is the greatest equalizer of our existence--WE ALL DIE.

Death is the separation of the body from the soul/spirit, the entrance of the soul/spirit to the body is called birth and the soul'd departure from the body is death. Death is the opening of one new level of life or simply it is the transition from one state of being into another. A change of consciousness to another higher plane. Death is not the end of life--it is simply a part of life expressed through a change in form.

We are fearful of death simply because we don't know what happens when the curtain of life closes. The fear of the unknown is the main reason why people have difficulty accepting the reality of death. By accepting our own mortality--we slowly prepare for it. People who prepare for death becomes free and strong. When an infant is born, we prepare for it--so as preparing for death. Accepting death as inevitable part of life will connect us to our humanity. When asked how we should prepare for death? I have one simple answer--the best preparation for death is a well-lived life. There is life beyond death and we should look forward to it! Let us all be reminded of the famous line in the movie Peter Pan: " Death will be an awfully big adventure!"

Lessons from Avatar

Avatar is a proof that in any movie production--the story and the quality of entertainment are still important elements to win over audiences! I have watched avatar for 4 consecutive times and I can't help but document the life lessons I got from the movie.

1. That its okay to betray your race especially if its is the right thing to do and if it is for common good. TRuth is not relative and we cannot compromise what is right and what is good just because we belong to the same race.

2. Clothes are out, natural colors are in! Neytiri and the other creatures of the avatar world look so good in their body colors! Beyond the sexiness, I think the most important lesson is the fact that what is natural is beautiful. We are beautiful even without the bling blings and the fashion bruhaha!

3. Recycling is not the solution to the gradual destruction of mother earth. Like any illness, prevention is the cure. Respect to other creatures is still the essence of true stewardship.

4. Communing with nature is not about animism--its about co-existing with earth and learning from the world. Linking one's hair to trees or animals tail is a symbol of sacred communion...it basically teaches us not to fight with nature but be one with nature so that we can peacefully and productively co-exist with each other.

5. Girls--don't mate with an alien in an avatar's body! This storyline goes beyond its shallow meaning--it simply tells us that making permanent connection with a person requires trust (as it is earned) and knowledge. KNow the person you want to share your life with--don't give up everything easily!

6. There is still hope for an old mercenary! Yes, we can still teach men of uniform new tactics--i hope its re-educating them of what is good for the country and the race.

Avatar is an impressive film..its a spectacular movie...an ultimate example of substance over style!

Attacked by an Emotional Vampire

Last month I was attacked by a vampire! Believe me--it was a traumatic experience!

The vampire I was referring to was not the dark and seductively creature from a coffin but a vampire of different figure! She was charming, pulse pounding being who drained me not of my own blood but of every last drop of my emotional energy. She was a perfect example of an emotional vampire!

If I were to diagnose this lady--I could very well name her condition--a narcissistic vampire. Main symptom: huge ego and little conscience! Its downright crazy to mingle with her---a true drama queen, demanding boss (who tortures her staff tremendously!) and a manipulative vampire who gets under the skin of everyone and drain the people around her dry! really dry!

A self-proclaimed genius, she will do everything to climb the ladder of success even if it would mean torturing her people and taking advantage of others. My experience with her made me see a true blooded emotional vampire in its perfect form. She is a hard driving competitor who throws tantrum when she lose. After talking to her, I ca'nt help but think how she regards anything short of recognition as rejection. I pity my friends (who works with her) because they are helpless. She has power and she is using this power to emorionally drain people. I was there when she lambasted a staff (who happens to be a friend) and I cannot help but think how this person could find fault in others despite of the fact that she carries the over-all responsibility for their failure! Maybe it was her overly high opinion of herself that she can no longer congenitally recognize her own mistakes and shortcomings. She finds fault in everything and everyone but never to herself--a picture example of emotional vampirism!

I am happy that I am not in her world now, but I am concerned with the friends I left behind. I hope they will find courage to really deal with her at some point of their lives. I personally advise that they make every possible effort to cut ties with that person if they cannot help her change. I hope they will not be sucked up with her endless emotional dramas! Emotional distancing I think is the key. I hope they will find courage to stop her bloodletting because she is real---she dont just come out during halloweens! She is a reality everyday! My short encounter with this emotional leeche left me depleted, much more the people who interacts with her every day! You see, she is a true emotional thirsty folk! She may not have the "fang" to attack but believe me--you will feel her bite! I was bitten so I knew how it felt.

I hope my friends will realize that its time to hold the wooden sticks and the silver bullets before she can zap other people's energy!

The Power of Affirmation

Tonight I am most inspired to write about the power of affirmation when I met Andrew and Joseph at a carwash station for my weekly car cleaning. This afternoon was a typical saturday fo me but these two young gentlemen (who became my regular car wash boys!) made my weekend memorable. While I was sipping my cold mango juice and waiting for my car to be washed up, I had my usual chit-chat with these two young men. As usual, Andrew was the complainer and Joseph was the booster! While working, Andrew as usual, complained about almost every dimension of his life--his work (too difficult!), his family (too dependent), his health (too sensitive) and his friends (bad influence). Every after his complaints, Joseph, on the other hand, would reverse the aura of Andrew. For every negative things Andrew mentions, Joseph would give affirmation statements. After an hour of washing and waxing, the cleaning was over but what was apparent was the fact that--andrew became so tired (physically and psychologically) for complaining and joseph--finished his work with a smile. What a difference! Truly--there is great power in affirmation!

Affirmation refers to positive statements about self that one makes to replace negative ones. That experience made me realize that developing a powerful mind-set is one of the most powerful life strategies there is. Using positive thinking, affirmation and visualizations can truly transform life at a personal level. It will transfrm your view of the world and renew the passion and joy for life. It was evident that Andrew ended up very unhappy and tired because there was so much negativity he unconsciously placed on himself and the world.

This afternoon--I learned a very important lesson---that positivity can help develop a powerful and positive attitude to life. I hope all of us will not forget to make positive affirmations a hard habit to break!

Riding the Waves of Grief...Beautifully!

I can't help but be amazed at how Joannie Rochette ( the skater ) poured every bit of her heavy heart at the Pacific Coliseum and in the end made the performance of a lifetime!

Joannie's mother died of heart attack 48 hours before her daughter's performance. Yes, people here and then experiences losses in their lives, but losing a love one 48 hours before performing at the olympics is a different story. Despite of the grief and the loneliness of losing a great mother, Joannie did not just performed, she delivered...she did'nt just attempted--she soared!

Joannie is a perfect picture of the resilience of the heart! She showed to the world that despite of the pain---we can do more! we can still deliver perfection in totally painful situations.

Joannie's story reminded me not to lose hope--that if we are hurting right now--a new beginning is coming all at the same time. We may never understand the mysteries of life--but trusting God and yourself--we can still live life to the fullest!

I salute Joannie!

The Beautiful Swan

Last weekend, I saw my niece reading her favorite book--Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. With the desire to rekindle my child within, I borrowed the book and took time to re-read it again (although thanks to cartoon network and disney channel, I probably watched different animated version of this fairy tale!).

After revisiting the theme of the story, I can't help but look at how the story strikes a chord with us, with our life stories--many of us think we are ugly duckling! Many of us believe that we are as ugly as the little duck in the story until we find, discover and awaken to the fact that we are beautiful swans! Beautiful swans who have great potentials, lovable and can soar beyond our limits. Swans who are magnificient beings capable of flight! Isn't that something to be proud of?

It's nice to remember and read beyond the lines of each fairy tale--somewhere, somehow--it reminds us of who we really are! Like the ugly duckling story---the SWAN IS OUR TRUE SELVES---we just need to believe!

Believing the lie of our ugliness can just bury our innate beauty and happiness. The sooner we change our perspective and belief--that we are beautiful, like the swan--the sooner we will experience genuine pride and happiness.

I hope it will not take a tragedy just for us to discover our great beauty!

Death & Grief

I was surprised to see a message from a long lost friend in my facebook account few days ago. It was from a friend who asked help on how she could cope up with the death of a boyfriend. As much as possible, I avoid topics like that because it brings me back to memory lane--but i cannot help but emphatize with her. Coping with death is actually the most difficult phase in all grieving processes--believe me--the process really takes time (so better be ready to cry and feel sad for a long time!)-- and the healing really happens gradually..as in slowly and painfully! The intensity of the grief depends on the preparedness and predictability of the person on the loss. Honestly, the grief at the onset of the process is much like a wave --the triggers of remembering the person comes on and off. truly, its a difficult phase.

But looking on the other side of the coin--we can always get through! thats the good news! Although coping can sometimes take time--what is important is we can get back to normal life---in due time. For some people, talking about the loneliness and the grief help enormously. Others would change their environment temporarily to symbolize a new start without the person. Some would re-focus on restoring friendships with long lost acquiances or others would just simple focus on work. At first it may seem like impossible to recover--but grief does gradually get better and gets less intense in time. NO matter how you choose to grieve, there is no one right way to do it. The most important element is that you should take care of yourself--this is the best thing that you could do--for yourself, for your remaining loveones and for your family. Its important for surviving loveones not to drop out of life! If you feel that "moving on" is difficult then, "keeping on" might make the difference. Its always better to tell yourself that keeping on with life is what you can do for now--going forward doesnt mean forgetting the person you love. Enjoying life doesnt mean you no longer miss the person--you have to start feeling better because its the best measureof how you loved the person that you wanted to make your life even more meaningful even without him/her. With your friends, family and support group--I'm sure--we can always cope with our loss.

Good Luck!