FiGhTiNg ThE bULLy BaTTle Part I

On Monday I will be starting with the 1st wave of my national seminar entitled: "FIGHT THE BULLY BATTLE: Workshop on Establishing Anti-Bullying Program in Schools". This session is a complete application of my book (i wrote about it in my previous entries!). I am excited and at the same time anxious! Like my other life-skills sessions, I preferred this seminar to have small number of participants to at least provide maximum venue for participation and interaction.

This interactive session will focus on Bullying---its nature and effect. Bullying in our schools should be taken very seriously. It is not a normal part of growing up and it can ruin lives. Bullying hurts and our vulnerable children need not to endure it. Being put-down, embarrassed, physically hurt or terrorized in school on a regular basis is hurtful for students at any grade or year level. Bullying can make a student feel unwanted and rejected. It is compulsory then for schools to have measures in place to encourage good behavior and respect for others and to prevent all forms of bullying.

Wish me luck!

Tidbits of Happiness!

Lately---i'm observing a bit of burnout symptoms in my workplace...getting out of work is probably one of the highlights of my day lately...maybe because I feel so loaded or maybe because I'm feeling a bit demoralized (which are purely because of human factors!)....believe me--I know that there is a way to find happiness at work—and I'm willing to look for it...again. Honestly, now--I am looking back and reflecting on what made me ultimately start working at my current job and why I love this job in the first place---at least to give me the much-needed perspective to my situation. I know that I have been achieving so much lately---but I am still asking myself--why am I feeling burnout lately?Visualizing my ideal job situation gives me an idea now of how far I need to go to reach that end result---that total job satisfaction! Like any other working psychologist---i am rsolved to thinking that the more I focus on what is wrong with my situation, the worse things actually seem. And that if I continue to focus on the bad things, these bad aspects will be the only thing I will see and feel, ultimately creating more negativity down the road....so again, I'm trying to jump again in the so called "love your job" bandwagon! Trying to be okay---trying to find little bits of happiness with my friends at work. Today--I'm a believer of the reality that there is always a way to make a bad situation better—and I'm wiling to look for it!

SiSteR's AcT

Yesterday, I had a special date--date with the nuns of the Servants of Jesus! Spending my sunday with them was definitely worth it! My session with them taught me to appreciate these simple people who have given their lives to the service of God and the Church. Just like my previous sessions with other congregations (both catholic and non-catholics), I do not just experience a change of heart and soul, but rather, there is also a change in my physical and spiritual realm. Personally, it is always inspiring to see consecrated young ladies out in public living their life for Jesus. In my short time with them, what became obvious to me was their life of loving intimacy with Our Lord. Yesterday, I did not just reached out to people with my training ministry--but more than that--i gained more friends!

Thank you sisters for the gentle presence! Kita Kita tayo sa muling pagbabalik!

My ReBirTh @ 32!

Yesterday I turned 32!!!!! You will not believe it but---i felt so rejuvenated adding another year in my biological age! Some close friends teased me for being out of the calendar (my age) but I told them wittingly that at least Lotto tickets have my age!!!! (duh!-great humor?!!!). A birthday is a time to celebrate birth itself, the joy of life.

Like my previous birthdays--I know I have to be thankful again for my "symbolic" rebirth! To recall our birth is to recall a new beginning. Birthdays for me are constant reminders of my new beginning. Birthday is still a momentous occasion (although, as I grow older--i plan to make each celebrations simplier and with so much prudence!). April 21 is the commemoration of my birth---a chance to remember the day that a major event occurred (of course--my birth!), to celebrate and give thanks and to reflect upon how well I am fulfilling my calling. As a person, I think it is but good to be thankful for what we have in life and what we have accomplished. So far, my 31 years of existence had been a wonderful journey of simple successess and failures. It is also an occasion to rethink how i'm living my life: what I have accomplished and what I can accomplish? How can I strengthen the thread that connects my outer life and my inner life? How much goodness and genuine good intention did I placed in all my previous undertakings? etc.. Birthdays are refreshers, chances for regeneration--not just materially but spiritually.

This year, I decided to celebrate my birthday quietly--I thanked my family and closest friends for their gentle presence in my life (as they greet me of course!) and just went with my day as simple as possible. More than the little jokes of celebration--I think there is no better way to celebrate a birthday than to commit special acts of goodness. You see, its easy enough to say you are thankful but it is far better to show it by doing a kind deed, something that you did not do yesterday. So my day went generally typical--except of course with my little additional kindness and generosity as I injected even more happiness in my inter and intrapersonal connection with myself and with others. Such acts of kindness gives the greatest pleasure!

Another year--another chance for a lifetime.

sToP, LoOk & LiStEn

Many have written and said their pieces on the recent tragedy in the family of Ted Failon (ABS-CBN). The media has sensationalized this event. From TV, print, radio, and specially in the internet. It’s one of the hottest news item in the web. I can see that many sympathizers are bothered by what they have been seeing in the news lately where Policemen are on an arresting spree with anyone who gets in their way. I’ve been following this story since the news broke out and what I am more concerned is the baseline issue of the story--the suicide of Ms. Etong. As a mental health professional, I am sad as the story unfolds---Mrs. Etong, before her suicide, showed signs, verbally made her plans known--but no one took the red flags seriously! I know her friends and family saw the warning signs---they were obvious in their stories---but they never taught she (mrs etong) would do it! I've been through a painful experience of losing a friend through suicide and what i learned from that experience is that we must approach the issue and the person with outmost depth and sincerity. After giving signs and red flags--friend and family must believe that the person could die before they even see him/her again.Almost everyone who commits or attempts suicide will show some clue or warning. Concerned friends and family members should not ignore these suicide threats. True concern and empathy are crucial. .

When I talk to families and friends of my clients who exhibits suicidal tendencies, they usually tell me that the suicidal person him/herself did not not ask for help--even if they see the signs BUT YOU SEE ----this does not also mean mean that help isn't wanted! Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously. You might be afraid to bring up the subject, but talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life. Speak up if you're concerned and seek professional help immediately! Through understanding, reassurance, and support, you can help your loved one overcome thoughts of suicide.

So, how can we truly help a person showing the red flags?

1. Speak up--if you're worried for the person--tell the person honestly. If you're unsure whether that person is suicidal, the best way to find out is to ask him/her directly. Giving the individual the opportunity to express his or her feelings may prevent a suicide attempt. The person may even be relieved that you brought up the issue.

2. Respond Quickly. Do not, under any circumstances, leave a suicidal person alone! (i think this is what the friends and family of mrs etong failed to do!) Inform the family members and the trusted people of the suicidal perosn. Seek help if necessary!

3. It's also wise to remove guns, drugs, knives, and other potentially lethal objects from the vicinity. In some cases, involuntary hospitalization may be necessary to keep the person safe and prevent a suicide attempt.

4. Convince the person to seek help--in any form--spiritual or counseling. Do everything in your power to get a suicidal person the help he or she needs. Call a crisis line for advice and referrals. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional, help locate a treatment facility, or take them to a doctor's appointment.

For the meantime, let us leave the etong family for a while so they can grieve for their loss. As for us, there are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to a suicidal friend or family member--and ways to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

CouPleHood Lesson 1

Marissa (one of the participants in one of my youth trainings) sent me an email asking how she and her boyfriend can maintain their long distance relationship (the guy is now based in Manila, studying). It's hard enough to make local relationships work, really--- but having miles and sometimes even an ocean between lovers can make it even more difficult! Most of those who are in these kind of relationships have failed to maintain the loving relationship and have broken up even though what they have may have been a very promising relationship. Believe me, the effort in making the relationship work is tripled for those separated by distance! However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. I'm sure nearly everyone has experienced a long distance relationship at some point in his/her life. Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good avenue to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the other partner (remember our lucid moments alone!). But what is frustrating is the fact that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing (at least between the meetings!) Definitely, you will experience difficulties in emotionally connecting with the person because there is no physical intimacy involved. But these should not stop your heart from loving, right?! You see, long distance relationships can work.....if both of you want it to work! So here are the tips/guidelines I sent to Marissa to help her make this relationship work--

1. First and foremost--BOth of you must have a true interest in each other---I mean a deep and genuine emotional connection, whether you’ve been together before the spacial separation or just technologically meeting eachother ( via chat or email).

2. At the onset of the separation, its important to ask your partner important questions that will help you both in having clear parameters of the relationship. Parameters would include--your status (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)and agreeing on your extent of your status (exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive). These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.

3. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. You need all the help you can get, so why not using the glorious benefits of a modern communication world. Call, text..email.Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Write letters. Do not underestimate the marvelous feeling, when you look in your letter box and find a letter from your love, open it and see his/her writing. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason.

4. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family. Most importantly, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.

5. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterwards and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.

6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference.

7. Try to see each other every month at least once.Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to.

8. Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead.

9. As mentioned before, trust is essential. I recommend avoiding some specific situations where you will be tempted to be unfaithful to your partner. Do not date the opposite sex alone, or go to wild parties. Simply avoid temptations that could distract you from each other. Be faithful!

Watch out for people with skepticism. Many will tell you that long distance relationships never work (especially those who have had negative experiences about it--to hell with them!). Don’t listen to them. Long-distance relationships can still facilitate valuable opportunities for partners to experience growth, maturity and bonding together.

Long Distance Relationship can definitely work, but you both have to believe it! This type of relationship exposes ongoing life lessons and will prove that love, loyalty, and faith are the vital ingredients to a lasting relationship.

My BOoK---its finally out!

Please watch out for my book in all National Bookstore Branches! Its the first Anti-bullying book in the Philippines! I'm happy that God is giving me avenues to reach more people in my ministry. Its pretty affordable--so please get a copy!

My next project--a textbook in Child and Adolescent Development--is currently in its editing phase---I hope it will be released this year!

New Version of Pinoy Ligaw!

This email was sent to me via email! enjoy and have a glimpse of Pinoy's new version of panliligaw!

Dear Juan Ekis,

Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? She is the one.

Bartolome

eto ang kanyang reply..

Bartolome,

Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo.

Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:

1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart.”

2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isula mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”

3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”

4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.

5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”

6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”

7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit.

8. Itext mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”

9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”

10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”

Pag hindi ka pa niyan sinagot, ewan ko na lang!

LeT HeR LivE....

Last night, the rain poured hard and part of my psyche convinced me to give up my daily "walking" exercise at Bicol University (where I usually spend an hour walking). I woke up at 5 Am, convinced not to go--but as the sun start shining--i was overwhelmed with guilt (maybe because I knew I over-ate the night before!) and a strong energy made me prepare for my daily regimen. While walking and listening to the upbeat sound of ne-yo, a young woman (of around 16-18 years old) approached me and greeted me nicely (although--honestly--I can't remember where and when I met her in the past--sorry!)--she asked me if its okay with me to walk with her--she told me that she had been seeing me walking alone --so--my friendship fever bit me again... I said yes. While walking, she started opening up little by little--she told me that she's a nursing student, from sorsogon (one of the provinces in Albay) and is living alone (in a boarding house). When she learned that I am a psychologist--she was drawn to me instantly--she opened up everything in a flash---she told me that she is three (3) months pregnant! i was shocked! first--i admired her for being so open to a stranger--and for taking exercise seriously--but when she started telling me about her personal issues--i knew immediately why I was forced by GOD to go and walk today--despite of the little rain showers!

What bothered me seriously was when she asked me innocently about my view of abortion---I knew from the moment she asked me that question that it was a RED FLAG! I asked her in return if abortion is part of her plan---and i got alarmed when she told me that she is considering that as an option! I panicked of course! I am an pro-life advocate and my brain repeatedly commanded me to do something! Not sounding so prophetic-- i carefully explained (between breaths, of course) the concept of human life. Making use of my loving experiences with children (especially my nieces and nephews)--I told her that a baby is a small member of the home that makes love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, the bankroll smaller, the home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten & the future worth living for. I carefully explained to her that if what is growing within her is not human life, if it is just a piece of tissue for her— a glob of protoplasm — still it deserves little respect or consideration to atleast be born. I told her that the baby should not suffer the consequences of her actions or decisions in the past... the baby deserves to live and that her life will not stop with a baby in tow! Keeping the baby will somehow avoid a lifetime of guilt and regrets. When she argued with me that what she has right now (unborn fetus) is only a glob of non-living cell--i carefully told her that being alive means that this being is growing, developing, maturing, and replacing its own dying cells--that is a reality for her baby now--it is in other words--it is not just a glob of non-living tissues!Using my knowledge in human psychology, I told her that human life begins at the time of conception therefore I strongly believe that human life is present throughout this entire sequence from conception to adulthood & any interruption at any point constitutes a termination of a human life--a murder--a premeditated murder. With outmost care, I told her that abortion involves a brutal procedure wherein someone tears an innocent growing fetus out of its biological home (in the mother's womb), thus inexorably leading to the bloody death of the unborn child--a procedure she should start visualizing and reflecting if its the right option. This procedure, because of the deep, special and biologically inherent relationship between the mother and child, usually leaves the women psychologically scarred---for a lifetime.

Our deep conversation ended when stronger rainshowers started to pour. I was scared and anxious that our moment has ended--and soon--she will decide for herself. As parting message--i asked her to pray more and see things through the eyes of love---let her heart decide. She thanked me for the captured moments and promised me to really think about it.

Abortions are often considered "the easy way out." I feel that abortions are just selfish. There is no easy way out. I could not imagine living with the guilt of taking another's life, especially the life of something that I created, and that is dependent of me. I just hope and pray that she will make the right decision. I know i'm helpless now--but I always believe in the power of the holy spirit.

It was indeed my longest walk ever...

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee.” --Jeremiah 1:4,5

MOTHER LET ME LIVE

I'm an angel in disguiseWith dimpled cheeks and laughing eyes.Don't you want me? I'm your baby.I have come from Heaven's halls,In your heart, oh, hear my call. Mother, keep me! I'm your baby.

Oh, Mother, let me live,Don't take away my life.Mother, let me live,You know it isn't rightTo stop me being born,I want to be yours.Oh, Mother, let me live,Don't take away my life.Mother, let me live, I want to live my life.Mother, you will see . When you look at meAnd you hold me in your arms...You'll fall in love with me.

Like a flower in your care,I'm a gift so pure and fair. Don't you want me? I'm your baby. My little life please don't abort,Let me live, don't cut me short.Mother, keep me! I'm your baby.

Becky's UnReCipRoCatEd LoVE

I received an email today from a student in one of the state universities in Bicol. She introduced herself to me quiet descently and told me that she was one of the participants in one of my youth trainings two years ago (imagine--two years ago?!! and surprisingly, she admitted that she had been following my schedules of growth and wellness sessions in their school!---really--i'm so touched! thanks becky!). Becky had the guts to write me about her problem: she feels that her love is unreciprocated. She told me about her intense love for John (name changed for confidentiality purposes) but she has this strong feeling that John is not feeling the same way for her. I definitely saw the pain of Becky on her letter. In the letter, strong indication of depression was noted.

After reading her letter--i cant help but go back to my early romantic experiences whene I also felt the same way. Surprisingly after that--I discovered that I was able to write this long-long personalized letter to Becky. I know most of us went through the same experience. Loving someone can be difficult especially if it is unrequited love. i could understand why Becky seem so depressed--because loving someone unconditionally and not receiving something on the other line can be draining. If your love is not reciprocated or returned you may feel depressed. You may spend way too much time thinking about it and that can disturb your focus on daily activities and responsiblities. I understand exactly how it feels---really--devastating.

But life itself equipt us with the necessary life skills to cope. I always believe that we have the capability to cope--to bounce back. I gave Becky practical tips to be able to cope--these tips were really close to my heart because these were the things I realized when I had similar experience. Some may work for her and some may not---we should take note that in coping with life--we have our own strategies.

I gave Becky the following practical points for reflection:

1. The first thing you need is an open mind. Be willing to be honest with yourself. When I had the same experience--I told myself that I have to stop the game of denial, the game of "what-ifs". I dont want to be trapped in that kind of dishonesty. Opening yourself to the idea that the person you love is probably better off without you is painful but thats the reality. Truly, reality bites and when it does--it really sucks!If your beloved needed or wanted you he would probably have some desire to be with you and that desire would have already shown you enough reciprocation to stop you from trying to get over the love.

2. Don't be selfish. If being with this person would make you happy, but in reality, your presence makes your beloved unhappy, then you should prefer them to be with someone else. Love is about wanting what's best for the person you love, not what's best for you. This may seem a brutal advice--but girl, life is not only about gaining but it is also about losing! What matters most is how you cope with that loss!

3. Don't try to contact the person you love if you already know its not a shared love. (PERIOD). This could cause the other person anger or even guilt for knowing that you are in emotional pain because of him. Love can not be controlled and they can't force themselves to love you. You can't force anyone to love you either. What we should then prioritize is to MAKE OURSELVES MORE LOVABLE--not for the one who rejected you--but for yourself and for others who might take interests in you.

4. If you refuse to be with anyone else, then be alone. It's not so bad, contrary to what the movies and magazines will say. After a while you learn to deal with loneliness. Do not underestimate your ability to cope.

Finally---LOOK AT ALL THE WONDROUS OPTIONS LIFE CAN OFFER! go out and open yourself to new people and new experiences. Dont die of desperation--It's expected that you feel hurt and depressed, but don't become a pathetic putz! Just LET GO and EXPLORE ways to cope. Instant gratification is great, but in this case you're just gonna have to let time do the healing.

So, for those with similar experiences---i hope this article can also help you cope. Experiences like this should not stop you from loving--PATULOY NA MAGMAHAL!Keep a positive attitude when possible. If you truly love someone, you want the person to be happy no matter what it takes, even letting him go. Possession is not love. Keep your true feelings in check by asking if you truly love him and want his happiness.