CouPleHood Lesson 1

Marissa (one of the participants in one of my youth trainings) sent me an email asking how she and her boyfriend can maintain their long distance relationship (the guy is now based in Manila, studying). It's hard enough to make local relationships work, really--- but having miles and sometimes even an ocean between lovers can make it even more difficult! Most of those who are in these kind of relationships have failed to maintain the loving relationship and have broken up even though what they have may have been a very promising relationship. Believe me, the effort in making the relationship work is tripled for those separated by distance! However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. I'm sure nearly everyone has experienced a long distance relationship at some point in his/her life. Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good avenue to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the other partner (remember our lucid moments alone!). But what is frustrating is the fact that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing (at least between the meetings!) Definitely, you will experience difficulties in emotionally connecting with the person because there is no physical intimacy involved. But these should not stop your heart from loving, right?! You see, long distance relationships can work.....if both of you want it to work! So here are the tips/guidelines I sent to Marissa to help her make this relationship work--

1. First and foremost--BOth of you must have a true interest in each other---I mean a deep and genuine emotional connection, whether you’ve been together before the spacial separation or just technologically meeting eachother ( via chat or email).

2. At the onset of the separation, its important to ask your partner important questions that will help you both in having clear parameters of the relationship. Parameters would include--your status (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)and agreeing on your extent of your status (exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive). These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.

3. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. You need all the help you can get, so why not using the glorious benefits of a modern communication world. Call, text..email.Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Write letters. Do not underestimate the marvelous feeling, when you look in your letter box and find a letter from your love, open it and see his/her writing. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason.

4. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family. Most importantly, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.

5. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterwards and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.

6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference.

7. Try to see each other every month at least once.Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to.

8. Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead.

9. As mentioned before, trust is essential. I recommend avoiding some specific situations where you will be tempted to be unfaithful to your partner. Do not date the opposite sex alone, or go to wild parties. Simply avoid temptations that could distract you from each other. Be faithful!

Watch out for people with skepticism. Many will tell you that long distance relationships never work (especially those who have had negative experiences about it--to hell with them!). Don’t listen to them. Long-distance relationships can still facilitate valuable opportunities for partners to experience growth, maturity and bonding together.

Long Distance Relationship can definitely work, but you both have to believe it! This type of relationship exposes ongoing life lessons and will prove that love, loyalty, and faith are the vital ingredients to a lasting relationship.

My BOoK---its finally out!

Please watch out for my book in all National Bookstore Branches! Its the first Anti-bullying book in the Philippines! I'm happy that God is giving me avenues to reach more people in my ministry. Its pretty affordable--so please get a copy!

My next project--a textbook in Child and Adolescent Development--is currently in its editing phase---I hope it will be released this year!

New Version of Pinoy Ligaw!

This email was sent to me via email! enjoy and have a glimpse of Pinoy's new version of panliligaw!

Dear Juan Ekis,

Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? She is the one.

Bartolome

eto ang kanyang reply..

Bartolome,

Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo.

Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:

1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart.”

2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isula mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”

3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”

4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.

5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”

6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”

7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit.

8. Itext mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”

9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”

10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”

Pag hindi ka pa niyan sinagot, ewan ko na lang!

LeT HeR LivE....

Last night, the rain poured hard and part of my psyche convinced me to give up my daily "walking" exercise at Bicol University (where I usually spend an hour walking). I woke up at 5 Am, convinced not to go--but as the sun start shining--i was overwhelmed with guilt (maybe because I knew I over-ate the night before!) and a strong energy made me prepare for my daily regimen. While walking and listening to the upbeat sound of ne-yo, a young woman (of around 16-18 years old) approached me and greeted me nicely (although--honestly--I can't remember where and when I met her in the past--sorry!)--she asked me if its okay with me to walk with her--she told me that she had been seeing me walking alone --so--my friendship fever bit me again... I said yes. While walking, she started opening up little by little--she told me that she's a nursing student, from sorsogon (one of the provinces in Albay) and is living alone (in a boarding house). When she learned that I am a psychologist--she was drawn to me instantly--she opened up everything in a flash---she told me that she is three (3) months pregnant! i was shocked! first--i admired her for being so open to a stranger--and for taking exercise seriously--but when she started telling me about her personal issues--i knew immediately why I was forced by GOD to go and walk today--despite of the little rain showers!

What bothered me seriously was when she asked me innocently about my view of abortion---I knew from the moment she asked me that question that it was a RED FLAG! I asked her in return if abortion is part of her plan---and i got alarmed when she told me that she is considering that as an option! I panicked of course! I am an pro-life advocate and my brain repeatedly commanded me to do something! Not sounding so prophetic-- i carefully explained (between breaths, of course) the concept of human life. Making use of my loving experiences with children (especially my nieces and nephews)--I told her that a baby is a small member of the home that makes love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, the bankroll smaller, the home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten & the future worth living for. I carefully explained to her that if what is growing within her is not human life, if it is just a piece of tissue for her— a glob of protoplasm — still it deserves little respect or consideration to atleast be born. I told her that the baby should not suffer the consequences of her actions or decisions in the past... the baby deserves to live and that her life will not stop with a baby in tow! Keeping the baby will somehow avoid a lifetime of guilt and regrets. When she argued with me that what she has right now (unborn fetus) is only a glob of non-living cell--i carefully told her that being alive means that this being is growing, developing, maturing, and replacing its own dying cells--that is a reality for her baby now--it is in other words--it is not just a glob of non-living tissues!Using my knowledge in human psychology, I told her that human life begins at the time of conception therefore I strongly believe that human life is present throughout this entire sequence from conception to adulthood & any interruption at any point constitutes a termination of a human life--a murder--a premeditated murder. With outmost care, I told her that abortion involves a brutal procedure wherein someone tears an innocent growing fetus out of its biological home (in the mother's womb), thus inexorably leading to the bloody death of the unborn child--a procedure she should start visualizing and reflecting if its the right option. This procedure, because of the deep, special and biologically inherent relationship between the mother and child, usually leaves the women psychologically scarred---for a lifetime.

Our deep conversation ended when stronger rainshowers started to pour. I was scared and anxious that our moment has ended--and soon--she will decide for herself. As parting message--i asked her to pray more and see things through the eyes of love---let her heart decide. She thanked me for the captured moments and promised me to really think about it.

Abortions are often considered "the easy way out." I feel that abortions are just selfish. There is no easy way out. I could not imagine living with the guilt of taking another's life, especially the life of something that I created, and that is dependent of me. I just hope and pray that she will make the right decision. I know i'm helpless now--but I always believe in the power of the holy spirit.

It was indeed my longest walk ever...

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee.” --Jeremiah 1:4,5

MOTHER LET ME LIVE

I'm an angel in disguiseWith dimpled cheeks and laughing eyes.Don't you want me? I'm your baby.I have come from Heaven's halls,In your heart, oh, hear my call. Mother, keep me! I'm your baby.

Oh, Mother, let me live,Don't take away my life.Mother, let me live,You know it isn't rightTo stop me being born,I want to be yours.Oh, Mother, let me live,Don't take away my life.Mother, let me live, I want to live my life.Mother, you will see . When you look at meAnd you hold me in your arms...You'll fall in love with me.

Like a flower in your care,I'm a gift so pure and fair. Don't you want me? I'm your baby. My little life please don't abort,Let me live, don't cut me short.Mother, keep me! I'm your baby.

Becky's UnReCipRoCatEd LoVE

I received an email today from a student in one of the state universities in Bicol. She introduced herself to me quiet descently and told me that she was one of the participants in one of my youth trainings two years ago (imagine--two years ago?!! and surprisingly, she admitted that she had been following my schedules of growth and wellness sessions in their school!---really--i'm so touched! thanks becky!). Becky had the guts to write me about her problem: she feels that her love is unreciprocated. She told me about her intense love for John (name changed for confidentiality purposes) but she has this strong feeling that John is not feeling the same way for her. I definitely saw the pain of Becky on her letter. In the letter, strong indication of depression was noted.

After reading her letter--i cant help but go back to my early romantic experiences whene I also felt the same way. Surprisingly after that--I discovered that I was able to write this long-long personalized letter to Becky. I know most of us went through the same experience. Loving someone can be difficult especially if it is unrequited love. i could understand why Becky seem so depressed--because loving someone unconditionally and not receiving something on the other line can be draining. If your love is not reciprocated or returned you may feel depressed. You may spend way too much time thinking about it and that can disturb your focus on daily activities and responsiblities. I understand exactly how it feels---really--devastating.

But life itself equipt us with the necessary life skills to cope. I always believe that we have the capability to cope--to bounce back. I gave Becky practical tips to be able to cope--these tips were really close to my heart because these were the things I realized when I had similar experience. Some may work for her and some may not---we should take note that in coping with life--we have our own strategies.

I gave Becky the following practical points for reflection:

1. The first thing you need is an open mind. Be willing to be honest with yourself. When I had the same experience--I told myself that I have to stop the game of denial, the game of "what-ifs". I dont want to be trapped in that kind of dishonesty. Opening yourself to the idea that the person you love is probably better off without you is painful but thats the reality. Truly, reality bites and when it does--it really sucks!If your beloved needed or wanted you he would probably have some desire to be with you and that desire would have already shown you enough reciprocation to stop you from trying to get over the love.

2. Don't be selfish. If being with this person would make you happy, but in reality, your presence makes your beloved unhappy, then you should prefer them to be with someone else. Love is about wanting what's best for the person you love, not what's best for you. This may seem a brutal advice--but girl, life is not only about gaining but it is also about losing! What matters most is how you cope with that loss!

3. Don't try to contact the person you love if you already know its not a shared love. (PERIOD). This could cause the other person anger or even guilt for knowing that you are in emotional pain because of him. Love can not be controlled and they can't force themselves to love you. You can't force anyone to love you either. What we should then prioritize is to MAKE OURSELVES MORE LOVABLE--not for the one who rejected you--but for yourself and for others who might take interests in you.

4. If you refuse to be with anyone else, then be alone. It's not so bad, contrary to what the movies and magazines will say. After a while you learn to deal with loneliness. Do not underestimate your ability to cope.

Finally---LOOK AT ALL THE WONDROUS OPTIONS LIFE CAN OFFER! go out and open yourself to new people and new experiences. Dont die of desperation--It's expected that you feel hurt and depressed, but don't become a pathetic putz! Just LET GO and EXPLORE ways to cope. Instant gratification is great, but in this case you're just gonna have to let time do the healing.

So, for those with similar experiences---i hope this article can also help you cope. Experiences like this should not stop you from loving--PATULOY NA MAGMAHAL!Keep a positive attitude when possible. If you truly love someone, you want the person to be happy no matter what it takes, even letting him go. Possession is not love. Keep your true feelings in check by asking if you truly love him and want his happiness.

Rodeo de MAsbate

I love MAsbate! Two weeks ago--Rich and I once again got our travelling pants together and visited the gateway to the south--MASBATE. The City of Masbate is a blessed land, with its innumerable bounty and few blights. It is situated strategically in the center of the Philippine archipelago . We are actually on official business trip but i was surprised that I enjoyed this trip so much that i felt that its more of a leisure trip than work! The travel of course had little hitches but as a whole--it was fun! we were at Pilar port a little over 4AM. We originally planned of taking the 5AM fast craft but bad luck stroke us on our face coz when it was our turn to book---the booking staff closed the window bacause it was allegedly fully booked?!! (pagka minamalas ka nga naman!). but of course--instead of crying our hearts out---I silently prayed for God's immediate intervention---and within 5 minutes---God answered my prayer--suddenly--the MOntenegro line staff announced that another boat will leave for Masbate at 6Am! Really--God proved to be the best savior of all!

We took the 6 Am Boat and arrived masbate city at around 9 Am--we had hotel hopping--choosing for the most descent accomodation and ended up staying at GV Hotel. The place was so far "okay"--cheap and simple. After washing-up for the days work---we went out and was surprised to see a beautiful parade--the Lapay Bantigue Dance Performers were marvelous! lapay bantigue Dance is a local folk dance very much rightfully originated from the graceful movements of the Lapay (bird) and the harmonious relationship it has created to the lives of the fisher folks in Masbate-- (although I just cant believe that almost all the dancers were gay!!!!! I was shocked with the enormous number of young gay performers in masbate!). After inquiring--we later learned that it was at the same time--the RODEO National Championhip Week! Our excitement grew when we learned that we have coincidentally scheduled our work with the only rodeo show in Asia. After our work--we went out and explored this beautiful island (thanks to Sir Wenter Barruga--a dear friend who was so kind enough to show us what Masbate City can offer!). The foods were truly sumptous and the people were really extraordinarily friendly.

Truly---I am proud of my country! Masbate--until our next visit!

Panlilio for President?

The evening news have it all! Many social advocates want Panlilio to run for presidency! Of course, the usual kontrabidas laugh at the idea--"where the hell is he going to get the minimum of 2Million candidacy machineries?" I'm just going gaga over understanding why its not possible? Does having 2 M enough to guarantee winning for a seat in Malacanang?Oh--to hell with the TRAPOS--but if Panlilio decides to run for president, he can count on my vote!!really---ONE VOTE with pure and genuine intention!

Honestly, I will vote for Panlilio not because he is a priest, not because he is religious man, not because he likes to evangelize but because--- he is an honest man, he is a descent and respectable man and he is a simple man. PANLILIO IS THE MORAL CHOICE. HE IS THE LESSER EVIL in the Philippine political arena!

This election, I believe that I still have the capacity to want what is good and what is better. If we want change in the country---we have to make use of this capacity--believe that we still have a choice!

LeSSoNs fRom MoThEr ThEreSa

"Do not wait for leaders;
do it alone,
person to person.”

Mother Teresa taught us by her sample what it really means to ‘live’ the Gospel.

“I think today the world is upside down, and is suffering so much because there is so very little love in the home, and in family life. We have no time for our children, we have no time for each other, there is no time to enjoy each other.”

“Love begins at home; love lives in homes, and that is why there is so much suffering and so much unhappiness in the world today...Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of the peace of the world.”

ON POVERTY

"I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience?" -- 1974 interview.

"When I see waste here, I feel angry on the inside. I don't approve of myself getting angry. But it's something you can't help after seeing Ethiopia." -- Washington 1984.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.”

“The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.”

“There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread.”

“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.”

ON WAR

"I have never been in a war before, but I have seen famine and death. I was asking (myself), 'What do they feel when they do this?' I don't understand it. They are all children of God. Why do they do it? I don't understand."

"Please choose the way of peace. ... In the short term there may be winners and losers in this war that we all dread. But that never can, nor never will justify the suffering, pain and loss of life your weapons will cause."
-- Letter to U.S. President George Bush and Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, January 1991.


ON ABORTION

Abortion "is murder in the womb ... A child is a gift of God. If you do not want him, give him to me."

“The greatest destroyer of peace is abortion because if a mother can kill her own child, what is left for me to kill you and you to kill me? There is nothing between.”

“It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.”


ON LOVE

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

•“I try to give to the poor people for love what the rich could get for money. No, I wouldn't touch a leper for a thousand pounds; yet I willingly cure him for the love of God.”

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I do know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will NOT ask, How many good things have you done in your life?, rather he will ask, How much LOVE did you put into what you did?”

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.”

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

•Good works are links that form a chain of love.

GREATEST LESSON!

“At the end of our lives, we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made or how many great things we have done. We will be judged by ‘I was hungry and you gave me to eat. I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless and you took me in.’”

WhY WoMeN RuLEs!

Today I received an email about why women should be proud of their gender! Funny but---that's life! (Sorry gentlemen!)..read and happy smiling!

REASONS WHY WOMEN RULES!

YES SIR!!WE ARE PERFECT ….( This is for all the perfect women I know and to all the men whom I believe are capable of acknowledging why women rocks!... )

Because:

-We don’t go bald.

-We have an international day, and a national day too.

-We can use pink as well as blue.

-We always know our kids are ours.

-We have priority in a shipwreck.

-We don’t pay the bill

-We’re the first hostages to go free

-If we are cheated on, we’re the victims

-If we cheat, the men are the ones with the horns

-We can sleep with a girlfriend and not be labeled as homosexuals

-We can pay attention to several things at a time

-The wife of a President is the First Lady, What is the husband of a female President?

-If we decide to do a man’s job, we’re pioneers;If a man decides to do a woman’s job, he’a a fag!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

We can do everyyyyyyyything a man does .....while...WEARING HEELS…!!!

BE PROUD TO BE A WOMAN!

GrEaT LoVeStOrY